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This. I may look better on the outside, but my emotions are still a mess. I’m completely drained. It’s not just about your sister, Karin, there are so many other things that I’m dealing with.”“I’ll listen if you want to tell me,” Karin said. “Please let me help you.”I considered whether I should open up to her. She was young, even younger than Sofia. Was it right to pour all the pent-up emotion out here, to her? On both my visits, Karin had offered support without asking for anything in return, simply by being by my side. Yes, she had twice offered herself to me, but it had been done in a subtle, loving way that asked for nothing.I struggled with the situation because every time I looked at Karin, I saw Birgit. When she spoke, I heard Birgit. When she touched me, I felt Birgit touch me. That was part of why I had sent her away — being with Karin needed to be about Karin, not about Birgit, and I couldn’t separate them.Now, Karin was offering to listen, to help. Sending her away. As we sped along her fair hair cascaded over the back of the seat and the smell of it was what attracted me to it.She had beautiful hair, the kind they use in shampoo adverts, where it shimmers and looks silky, I wanted my hair to look that beautiful, I thought as I coveted it in my head, then suddenly, compulsively, I reached up from my lap and touched it, it felt soft and silky as I let it sway over my fingers, she just sat looking ahead, unawares I was touching her.I looked up instinctively as I sensed I was being observed, and the man who had come on with her was looking down at me, when our eyes met, he beamed back a large smile, as if to say, 'I know her hair is beautiful', I smiled at him and put my hand back on my lap, and looked ahead.I dozed again and a sudden jolt by the bus awoke me, everyone was still as I left them, but there was something different in the way the man who smiled at me, was standing, he was hard against the back of the girl in front of me, it somehow just.
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